An Opinion on Love Matches

Book excerpt

By: Eliza Southgate

Date: 1887

Source: Cook, Clarence, ed. Life Eighty Years Ago: Letters of Eliza Southgate Browne. New York: Scribner's, 1887.

About the Author: Eliza Southgate was born in 1783 in the town of Scarborough, Maine. At fourteen, she left home to attend a fashionable Boston school. She was married in 1803, but died at the age of twenty-five in 1809.

INTRODUCTION

While marriage is sometimes described as the oldest and most enduring human institution, the reasons for marrying have varied widely from era to era and culture to culture. Religious, racial, cultural, and economic factors have all played a part in determining who one could marry and the form which marriage took.

In many situations marrying has been primarily an economic decision. Monarchs sometimes arranged marriages between their children and those of other kings in order to expand their national territory, and members of royal families often found themselves constrained to other noble families when seeking a mate. In many cultures a young woman's parents were expected to provide a sizeable dowry to her suitor, while in other cultures a man's wealth was judged in part by the size of his harem and the number of wives he maintained.

Women in many cultures have found themselves playing a relatively passive role in courtship and marriage. In many ancient and some modern cultures young girls were traditionally married to older men, a choice normally made by the girl's father. In other cultures marriages were arranged by an older woman in the community, a matchmaker whose opinions were rarely disputed by the individuals involved. Historically many cultures have refused to leave the choice of a mate to the young people involved, believing that such a life-changing decision should be made by those with more experience.

The idea of romantic love as a foundation for marriage is not a recent development: The Hebrew scriptures include an entire book describing the joys of infatuation, love, and physical relations. But Western culture places unique value on the idea of love as a foundation for marriage, and on the importance of marriage in general. Particularly in the decades before women pursued educational opportunities a tremendous stigma was often attached to remaining single, the general assumption being that such a woman had been rejected by all possible suitors. For this reason women were sometimes willing to marry despite misgivings about the suitor.

PRIMARY SOURCE

… As I look around me I am surprised at the happiness which is so generally enjoyed in families, and that marriages which have not love for a foundation on more than one side at most, should produce so much apparent harmony. I may be censured for declaring it as my opinion that not one woman in a hundred marries for love. A woman of taste and sentiment will surely see but a very few whom she could love, and it is altogether uncertain whether either of them will particularly distinguish her. If they should, surely she is very fortunate, but it would be one of fortune's random favors and such as we have no right to expect. The female mind I believe is of a very pliable texture; if it were not we should be wretched indeed. Admitting as a known truth that few women marry those whom they would prefer to all the world if they could be viewed by them with equal affection, or rather that there are often others whom they could have preferred if they had felt that affection for them which would have induced them to offer themselves,—admitting this as a truth not to be disputed,—is it not a subject of astonishment that happiness is not almost banished from this connexion? Gratitude is undoubtedly the foundation of the esteem we commonly feel for a husband. One that has preferred us to all the world, one that has thought us possessed of every quality to render him happy, surely merits our gratitude. If his character is good—if he is not displeasing in his person or manners—what objection can we make that will not be thought frivolous by the greater part of the world?—yet I think there are many other things necessary for happiness, and the world should never compel me to marry a man because I could not give satisfactory reasons for not liking him. I do not esteem marriage absolutely essential to happiness, and that it does not always bring happiness we must every day witness in our acquaintance. A single life is considered too generally as a reproach; but let me ask you, which is the most despicable—she who marries a man she scarcely thinks well of—to avoid the reputation of an old maid, or she, who with more delicacy, than marry one she could not highly esteem, preferred to live single all her life, and had wisdom enough to despise so mean a sacrifice, to the opinion of the rabble, as the woman who marries a man she has not much love for—must make. I wish not to alter the laws of nature—neither will I quarrel with the rules which custom has established and rendered indispensably necessary to the harmony of society. But every being who has contemplated human nature on a large scale will certainly justify me when I declare that the inequality of privilege between the sexes is very sensibly felt by us females, and in no instance is it greater than in the liberty of choosing a partner in marriage; true, we have the liberty of refusing those we don't like, but not of selecting those we do. This is undoubtedly as it should be. But let me ask you, what must be that love which is altogether voluntary, which we can withhold or give, which sleeps in dullness and apathy till it is requested to brighten into life? Is it not a cold, lifeless dictate of the head,—do we not weigh all the conveniences and inconveniences which will attend it? And after a long calculation, in which the heart never was consulted, we determine whether it is most prudent to love or not.

How I should despise a soul so sordid, so mean! How I abhor the heart which is regulated by mechanical rules, which can say "thus far will I go and no farther," whose feelings can keep pace with their convenience, and be awakened at stated periods,—a mere piece of clock-work which always moves right! How far less valuable than that being who has a soul to govern her actions, and though she may not always be coldly prudent, yet she will sometimes be generous and noble, and that the other never can be. After all, I must own that a woman of delicacy never will suffer her esteem to ripen into love unless she is convinced of a return. Though our first approaches to love may be involuntary, yet I should be sorry if we had no power of controlling them if occasion required. There is a happy conformity or pliability in the female mind which seems to have been a gift of nature to enable them to he happy with so few privileges,—and another thing, they have more gratitude in their dispositions than men, and there is something particularly gratifying to the heart in being beloved, if the object is worthy … Indeed, I believe no woman of delicacy suffers herself to think she could love any one before she had discovered an affection for her. For my part I should never ask the question of myself—do I love such a one, if I had reason to think he loved me—and I believe there are many who love that never confessed it to themselves. My pride, my delicacy would all be hurt if I discovered such unasked for love, even in my own bosom. I would strain every nerve and rouse every faculty to quell the first appearance of it. There is no danger, however. I could never love without being beloved, and I am confident in my own mind that no person whom I could love would ever think me sufficiently worthy to love me. But I congratulate myself that I am at liberty to refuse those I don't like, and that I have firmness enough to brave the sneers of the world and live an old maid, if I never find one I can love.

SIGNIFICANCE

The belief that men and women should choose their own spouses has been accepted in the U.S. for many decades. While no good comparison exists with other methods, the current system does result in a large ratio of failed marriages; roughly half of all marriages today end in divorce. And while remarriage following divorce is now widely accepted, second and third marriages have lower success rates than first unions. Statistically women who leave abusive hus-bands tend to choose second husbands who are also abusive.

Although many young women continue to want to eventually marry, much of the stigma surrounding singleness has vanished. Numerous women in the early twenty-first century choose to pursue advanced educations and careers, postponing or avoiding marriage entirely. With expanding career options many women now select singleness.

The practice of marrying for economic reasons remains common, as women occasionally find themselves accused of marrying for money. Ironically the reverse can occur now as well: In some cases it is the woman who brings financial resources to the relationship.

As science has expanded the understanding of personality and relationships, numerous tools have been created to help men and women identify an ideal marriage partner. Personality inventories allow trained counselors to help potential spouses understand their strengths and weaknesses, as well as what they need in a partner. Many of these tools are now employed by online services that allow participants to consider thousands of potential partners, potentially increasing the odds of identifying an ideal partner but also potentially complicating the selection process by providing an overwhelming number of options.

Just as in the 1800s, marriage in the early 2000s is a diverse arrangement, chosen by numerous couples for a multitude of varying reasons. Despite frequent criticism of marriage and its high failure rate, many men and women deeply desire to find a life partner who will love and appreciate their strengths while overlooking their weaknesses. Whether true love is as rare as this author believes is difficult to determine; what is certain is that despite difficult odds, marriage to a loving partner remains a goal for many men and women.

FURTHER RESOURCES

Books

Duby, Georges, and Michelle Perrot, eds. A History of Women: Emerging Feminism From Revolution to World War. Cambridge, MA.: Harvard University Press, 1993.

Perkins, Joan. Victorian Women. New York: New York University, 1993.

Woloch, Nancy. Women and the American Experience. Boston: McGraw-Hill, 2000.

Periodicals

Battan, Jesse F. "The 'Rights' of Husbands and the 'Duties' of Wives: Power and Desire in the American Bedroom, 1850–1910." Journal of Family History. 24 (1999): 165-186.

Malieckal, Bindu, et al. "What's Love Got to Do With It." Newsweek. 133(1999):18.

Web sites

Fordham University. "Internet Women's History Source-book." February 25, 2001 〈http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/women/womensbook.html〉 (accessed July 17, 2006).

Human Rights Watch. "History of Rwanda." 〈http://www.hrw.org/reports/1999/rwanda/Geno1-3-09.htm#TopOfPage〉 (accessed July 12, 2006).

Stockton College. "Women in the Victorian Age." April 19, 2002 〈http://caxton.stockton.edu/browning/stories/storyReader$3〉 (accessed July 16, 2006).